Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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