Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
