my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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