I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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