You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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