a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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