hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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