why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sex in the backyard? Check.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
