I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
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I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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