I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
