i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
