My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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