Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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