I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The ass gains better be worth it
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