Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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