ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
