I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The uberlube is also flammable
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
