don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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