im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
