People with herpes should wear stickers.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
