I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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