so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize