This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
