i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
