The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
