it was like his penis was on wheels.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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