found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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