I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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