He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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