When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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