yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
