I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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