At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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