my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
