My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
