I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
