I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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