I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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