Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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