Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
