I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
