Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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