He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
