I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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