now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
