woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
