oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
only you would photoshop your dick
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
