i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
