She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
