I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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