Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
