life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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