If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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