My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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