Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
