I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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