We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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