Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
