Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
