I wannas sexs uuuuu
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Randomize
