Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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