i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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