Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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