You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
