Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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